I went to bed on a high last night. I had a good evening; came home & was pottering about the house, muttering to myself (it's nice to externalise the inner monalogue once in a while!) and generally being quite constructive. I enjoyed writing last night and it didn't leave me drained or manic, like it often can.
I was, dare I say it, content.
For the first time in MONTHS I managed to look in the bathroom mirror and stop myself from picking. Every night for the last few months I have spent, at minium, 15minutes in front of the mirror picking. Most nights it's closer to an hour. I zone-out and enter a trance that helps release all the days anxiety. But last night I had said to myself I would not, to prove that I don't have to. So I looked in the mirror, not too hard (inspecting potential picking is what puts me in the trance!) and was able to look away. It felt good. Then, just to make myself feel even better, I did a few exercises before getting into bed. Just a few sit-ups, squats and leg-lifts. But it's better than nothing and it made me feel like I'd achieved another little win. So I went to bed on a high.
Unfortunately it took me 90 minutes to get to sleep as I started dwelling on things. I didn't sleep well and I completely missed my alarms this morning. I have two as I struggle to rise in the mornings anyway, but today I slept right through both...even though my radio stays on for an hour! I was late for work & exhausted all day. The day did improve a bit as it's weigh-in day with Weight Watchers. I've been good this week & was rewarded - I lost 3lbs, taking my total to 14.5lbs!
I go with my mum, so after I went back to my parents for dinner. I made the mistake of showing her the style of dress I dream of for my wedding, if I ever get asked! It's a knee-length 50's style swing dress from Vivien of Holloway. Mum hates it, as it'll mean my tattoos are visible. I knew she would, but had hoped showing her would make a difference. She helpfully reminded me I wasn't even getting married and doesn't want to have my tattoos shown off on my wedding day. It makes me feel like she loves me less because I chose to have tattoos and it's put me into such an awful mood that I had to leave straight away.....as soon as dad dropped me home I burst into tears and haven't stopped, 20 minutes later. Despite that, I just feel fucking stupid for pushing the subject and dwelling on a wedding that isn't even going to happen at this rate. My desire to get married will need several posts to ponder so I won't start now! But it's a tough subject for me.
Anyway, I guess being tired doesn't help things, so I'm going to kick off to bed....early for me tonight. I'm going to try again not to pick and do a few more sit-ups, just so I can achieve something today.
Our Mummy, Marie Molloy: 1957 – 2023
9 months ago
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Is there a picture of this dress? It sounds LOVELY! As does the 3lbs weight loss, which I'd also love lol.
ReplyDeleteAnd try not to worry about your mum. In the end I think, although it's hard, the decisions you make are yours and for you, not for anyone else and it's their problem if they can't accept them not yours.But then I do accept that this is your mum and mum's are always someone you want to please I guess.
I remember when I got my nose pierced for my 16th, got into the car, told my dad and he stopped speaking to me. I stuck with the piercing for about a year and got bored of it, by which point no one cared about it.
Bah I ramble, take care youx