A postsecret

I only recently discovered PostSecret. It's one of those things I heard about ages and ages ago and thought "oohhh, I must read that", but then never did. Around 6months ago I clicked a link on another mental health blog to the website and since then it's been in my feed reader (RSS is also something I only discovered through blogging!).

I feel a lot of the "secrets" are a bit lame; not really secrets and more musings. A lot are easy to relate to but it's too easy to just say "ohh, that's just like me", but really it's just a general statement or feeling we all feel at some point in our daily lives! And for that reason I've avoided posting any on here and making comments, as it would feel a bit empty. But they make good reading and each week there's always a few good ones (I especially like the follow up comments that Frank posts). This secret from today in particular I liked and felt compelled to discuss:

I don't think "oooh, it's just like me". But I rather like the sentiment and it rung true with me, as it relates to coping mecanisms. This person probably needs a bit of help to work through some issues in "more appropriate" ways, but I like that they've admitted the find ways to cope one way or another.

I could easily get hooked on drugs and/or alcohol or go back to cutting, a full-blown eating disorder or promiscuity in an attempt to cope with how I feel. I'm trying to give up my anti-depressants and all of those things are fears of mine. But I'm trying to get "clean" without and I'm constantly reminding myself that I shouldn't replace them with an alternative "treatment" or coping mechanism. If things start to go wrong, I need to find some therapy to deal with these issues. Recovery, good health, happiness......it should be found in happiness and acceptance, not the bottom of a bottle, the sting of a blade or the comfort of food (or lack thereof!). This secret reminded me of that.

I don't need fixing.

Screw this. I've just written out 5 paragraphs of text, all of which I've just over-written. I can't be bothered to explain. Mainly because I can't even begin to understand what's going on with me/everyone else at the moment.

The people I love & trust are letting me down.  One because they won't talk to me, the other because they want to fix me. Both because they believe I'm broken and that everything that's going on is my fault.  Or at least that's how I see it.

The people in my life who I can talk to about this are male and are far away. And all of whom I've previously been involved with sexually, so probably aren't the best points of reference. No matter how much I trust them. It's just another notch in my screwed up life-story of a bed post.

Up until very recently my previous coping mechanisms were becoming a thing of the past. In fact this morning I was considering writing a blog post on how I thought I was moving past self-harm and it's hold over me was diminishing. Now all I can think about is how good that blade would feel and how much I hate myself for finishing the Krispy Kreme's I was supposed to be sharing with my boyfriend.

Dammit all.

Even a stopped clock is right twice a day

2 months! It's felt like longer since I last wrote anything! Apologies for anyone that's reading.

So....where to start?

Life with me seems to go by quickly and a lot of nothing can happen in pretty short periods of time. I guess that's the impact of the mood swings. What's frustrating is I forget these little experiences so quickly & with such ease. It's one of the reasons I wanted to write, so it's a pain I've not felt like it the past couple of months!

I shall start with the simple, medical stuff. I saw my psychiatrist about 6 weeks ago. Options were discussed. I explained my moods were still all over the place, that I was feeling unstable. But determined. I wanted to try something new. He was open and stated he didn't feel that my current medication on it's own was working (he is in my good books for this). He suggested, to my surprise, an anti-psychotic (Clozapine) which at a low dose has a mood stabilising effect. Together with a lower dose of my AD it might do the trick. I hadn't heard of this drug before and as such he sold it to me quite well. I like the idea of a mood stabiliser very, VERY much.
I should've realised the next part was coming though, in my line of work I see a lot of people who start taking anti-psychotics and the subsequent side-effect of massive weight gain. And low and behold, the doctor confirmed that was a side-effect; although at low doses it would be difficult to say if it would come into play. But that was enough for me; I very quickly started to lose my cool, calm composure (I am the LEAST difficult patient in the world) and the wobble in my voice was not easy to control and the tears hard to hide. I explained putting on weight is simply not an option. I have been losing weight and with that has come an overall increase in my happiness. I am not willing to sacrifice that happiness for the sake of controlling mood swings. Which might sound odd, but it's pretty non-negotiable! It's a shame though, as I would've liked to try that option. Maybe if other things don't work.

Anyhow, he moved on to suggesting Fluxotine, however I've used that in the past with little sucess and have no desire to try again. I was not happy on SSRI's and it would feel like a step backwards. Next option; Venlafaxine - a drug I'm confused about. Good points; have heard people speak highly of it, potential weight LOSS as a side-effect. Bad points; have heard people speak poorly of it and it's similarity to SSRI's in terms of range side-effects. I discused it with the shrink (I like him, I feel lucky that I feel I can properly discuss this with him) and agreed I'd be willing to give it a go. However, he went one better and gave me a final option; try being drug free.

DRUG FREE.