Even a stopped clock is right twice a day

2 months! It's felt like longer since I last wrote anything! Apologies for anyone that's reading.

So....where to start?

Life with me seems to go by quickly and a lot of nothing can happen in pretty short periods of time. I guess that's the impact of the mood swings. What's frustrating is I forget these little experiences so quickly & with such ease. It's one of the reasons I wanted to write, so it's a pain I've not felt like it the past couple of months!

I shall start with the simple, medical stuff. I saw my psychiatrist about 6 weeks ago. Options were discussed. I explained my moods were still all over the place, that I was feeling unstable. But determined. I wanted to try something new. He was open and stated he didn't feel that my current medication on it's own was working (he is in my good books for this). He suggested, to my surprise, an anti-psychotic (Clozapine) which at a low dose has a mood stabilising effect. Together with a lower dose of my AD it might do the trick. I hadn't heard of this drug before and as such he sold it to me quite well. I like the idea of a mood stabiliser very, VERY much.
I should've realised the next part was coming though, in my line of work I see a lot of people who start taking anti-psychotics and the subsequent side-effect of massive weight gain. And low and behold, the doctor confirmed that was a side-effect; although at low doses it would be difficult to say if it would come into play. But that was enough for me; I very quickly started to lose my cool, calm composure (I am the LEAST difficult patient in the world) and the wobble in my voice was not easy to control and the tears hard to hide. I explained putting on weight is simply not an option. I have been losing weight and with that has come an overall increase in my happiness. I am not willing to sacrifice that happiness for the sake of controlling mood swings. Which might sound odd, but it's pretty non-negotiable! It's a shame though, as I would've liked to try that option. Maybe if other things don't work.

Anyhow, he moved on to suggesting Fluxotine, however I've used that in the past with little sucess and have no desire to try again. I was not happy on SSRI's and it would feel like a step backwards. Next option; Venlafaxine - a drug I'm confused about. Good points; have heard people speak highly of it, potential weight LOSS as a side-effect. Bad points; have heard people speak poorly of it and it's similarity to SSRI's in terms of range side-effects. I discused it with the shrink (I like him, I feel lucky that I feel I can properly discuss this with him) and agreed I'd be willing to give it a go. However, he went one better and gave me a final option; try being drug free.

DRUG FREE.


I've been medicated continuously for 7 years. As my last post mentions; this is something I was beginning to question and I had wanted to give it a go. I just didn't expect anyone else to see that. But, he did. (again, he's picking up brownie points all the way!). And I'm giving it a go. I've just dropped down to 30mg of Mirtazipine, from 45mg (he suggested a straight drop, but that scared me a bit so I was taking a half dose every other day to ease into it) and at the end of this packet it will drop further, I guess to either 15mg or 20mg.

It's hard to say if I'm noticing any change. I'm trying not to go down a "placebo effect" route and imagine that things are getting worse because I'm dropping my meds. People have suggested it, but I don't think I feel worse. I do feel.....different. I think I might just be feeling more. One of my medication concerns was that it was dulling my feeling & emotions (and possibly creating BPD symptoms) so I wonder if this is just me starting to come back to normal a bit.

Medication aside, I am feeling rather loopy. No other way to describe it! Mood swings are still in full force and depression is still a bitch. I did start to feel happier at one point, but then had a bad day or two just it kick me in the teeth and remind me how shit unprovoked depression can really be! It's incredible really and blew me away - the logical side of my brain was fascinated, the rest of me pissed off that I'd forgotten how much of a bitch proper, soul-destroying depression can be! Thankfully (I can't believe I say this) mood swings are in full force and I swung from depression to mild mania, joy, anger & the rest fairly quickly.

I'm going to stop writing now. There's a BIG thing I need to get out into words pretty soon. It's hard to pin-point, but I'm in a confusing place regarding my personal situations and the choices I make. There's a lot of questions inside me, querying decisions I've made, options I've taken, things I choose to deal with, act-on and explore. Perhaps a realisation that being me is really, really not the same as "most other women" (I write that with raised eyebrows) and that I have manipulated my mind to believe the things I told myself I "should" do and "should" want, rather than accept that the way I need to do things might be different to how other people do them and that's not necessarily a bad thing that will make me unhappy. COMPLICATED!

What I will end on is simple - this is, in a strange way, a POSITIVE blog post. It probably doesn't read like that, but I feel things are positive at the moment (despite a rather problematic phsyical set-back that I will go into in my next post!!) and I am generally coping. Coping is good. Even if I'm completely stark-raving mad, full of crazy moods, anxieties, bad behaviours, stress & unhappiness, the fact I'm sucking it all up and DEALING WITH IT. I feel like I'm coping, keeping my head above the water with relative ease, almost enjoying the experiences I'm facing. I can't help but smile at that.