New Years Eve sme-Eve. Humbug.

So it's that time of year again. I hate New Years eve. I refuse to celebrate it every year and generally avoid trying to acknowledge it if I can. I'm not sure when this intense loathing properly began, but I can only remember one good New Years eve event that I went to and even then, I fucked it up pretty well thanks to my drunken antics!

I find no reason to celebrate the end of one year and the start of another. I also don't like this obligation to go out and have fun and celebrate - don't bloody well tell me when I should be having fun.

Morning after

Well I didn't hurt myself, although did drink the rest of the bottle of wine I'd opened. Watched a lot of CSI and went to bed very late.

For the record, my friends baby is actually gorgeous. And I'm of the school of thought that believes all new-borns are ugly, wrinkly little red-faced monsters. But the picture I've received is of a pretty little thing and in the light of day I'm calm about it (if not still rather shocked!) and extremely happy for them.  I really am a rubbish friend if I didn't know that someone I care about was going to be a father. It's making me feel a bit shit and realise that before I was in this era of madness, I was once quite a social thing, albeit for the wrong reasons a lot of the time, it was a hell of a lot more fun than this semi-reclusive existence I'm currently living in.

Righto, this week I'm going to be mostly batch-cooking and hopefully cleaning. The cooking will be great as I can make loads of healthy home-made goodness for freezing, so when I come home from work tired and fed-up I don't have to deal with cooking. On the menu is vegetable soup, braised mince (for spag bol, chilli, shepherds pie etc) and my special sausage and bean casserole. The veg soup is already made - we hit the supermarket yesterday at the reduction hour and I managed to get kilos of veggies for about 50p!

The cleaning part of my week will be shit, but I have a week off and haven't cleaned properly in months. I simply haven't been bothered and the house is becoming a festering tip. I'm a proper hoarder and pile stuff up - if I didn't have my other half and friends I'd probably be one of those old women found dead in a fortress of random collected crap! But I hate it. This time last year, after we'd just moved in to our house, I was a neat and clean freak (although that was a different manifsetation of the crazy). I'd like to regain some of that so I don't have to worry about a spider crawling over my face in the night. (which I did actually dream the night before last.).

Slow start...

I had hoped when I started this blog I'd use it little and often, as a place just to note down the little details in life that I always seem to forget. So I could use it to learn from my fuck-ups, recognise my patterns, routines, cycles. But clearly I've been a bit shit at it so far! It's not about other people reading it; although I welcome that, but more to allow me to reflect and hopefully gain some understanding of myself, that I can maybe take to my GP/Psychiatrist and they can help me find out what's wrong.

It's been a strange couple of weeks. As normal as I sometimes think I could ever be. I've not been happy, but there have been times when I've not felt anything. I often think that's all I can ever hope for. But the problem with nothing is it leaves me so empty, disconnected and lonely that it starts me down a route of sadness. And I really, really do not want to be properly depressed again, but saying that, I'm also not sure that I'm not already there! It certainly doesn't feel good.

A weird one

It's been a while, I've been having a relatively sane week or so, just the odd mood swing and lack of control. It's been nice, almost relaxing!

Anyway, today I spontaneously dissolved into tears whilst driving.  It was one of the most bizzare and surprising things I have ever experienced.  I don't know if anyone understands this, but I felt the feeling you get after you've heard/felt something really emotional that always leads to genuine tears of grief. It felt like grief. On a beautiful, clear, crisp and bright December morning. Bizarre.