An introduction

I've never blogged before, nor have I ever really been into blogs, so this is all new to me. It's surprising really, I've always been attached to my computer (normally via forums) yet in all the years have never actually sat down and sought out blogs which might be of interest to me. This has all changed over the last month or so and I'm gradually building up a reading list which I follow via RSS (I assume this is the correct way to do it?!!). The majority are mental health blogs, as that is where my interest lies at the moment and a list of some of what I follow is in my blogroll to the right. Having read more and more of these, I realise I should probably expand a bit on who I am at present.

As a brief intro; I'm Phoenix (not my real name); I find no enjoyment in day to day activities and it's exhausting for me to keep trying. I find it difficult to maintain friendships; because there is little enjoyment in my life I have don't have the stories and anecdotes to share with people and as such I am extremely isolated. I love being independent and alone, but I despise that I can't make friends and hate being lonely. To put it simply, I struggle with life.

I was diagnosed when I was 18 with depression and since then I've been attempting to find a treatment which is right for me. I've not yet found one and over the last few years I've become convinced there's "more" to my mental health than simple depression; this might explain why the medication never seems to make me better. So for the past 18 months I've been really fighting to get properly assessed and diagnosed - through my local GP I've been referred to the Community Mental Health Team (CMHT), MIND, an eating disorder nurse and, from work; Occupational Health. I've had some brief, unstructured counselling over the last 10 years, but I've never found this very helpful - other than that, I'm generally told that because I "function" I am not sick enough to warrant significant help, support or treatment from the NHS.

In addition to chronic low mood and a lack of enjoyment in life, I self-harm. In efforts to hide this from people I love, so I don't hurt them, I have adapted my methods. My preferred method is to use knives, but the scars and marks they left weren't acceptable for my family and work. Several years ago I took to releasing my frustration and self-harming by over-eating, vomiting and using laxatives. I also compulsively pick my skin, pluck hairs. Both the disordered eating and skin-picking are more "acceptable" to family and professionals, but the emotional harm they do to me is worse than the physical marks of cutting.

My background is, as far as I'm aware, a happy one; I did not suffer any form of abuse, I didn't witness domestic violence nor substance misuse. My parents are loving, supportive; they are still married and in love and I see them often. I get on well with my younger brother. I was not bullied at school. I have suffered no serious illness or injury as a child. I was supported as a child; well educated, bought up to be an individual - I know my parents love me and they did their best for me by meeting my physical and emotional needs. I do however remember being a difficult, emotional child. I'm not sure why.

I hope to use this blog to document my progress through the system; hopefully resulting in getting a diagnosis, which I hope will then provide me a starting point to becoming healthy and well.