Losing my grip on reality

I'm not having a good morning. I'm feeling quite mad.

Every little thing is upsetting me. My house at the moment is a total tip. I struggle to look after myself when I just had a single bedroom, but now I have a 2-bed house and a live-in mess machine (the boy) I don't stand a chance. Every six months or so I blow my top over the state of the house. I try to explain to the boy that I can barely look after myself and need support with the house. I explain that I hate that it's only me that thinks of hoovering, cleaning the sheet, washing the towels, cleaning the bathroom & using cleaning products. I explain that every once in a while I could do with him thinking of these things. And he says he'll help out more, be a better boyfriend & try and support me. And for a few weeks he's a bit more helpful, he picks up after himself and tidies the living room and kitchen (tidies, never actually cleans though). But the things that I actually expressed my concerns about - the towels, sheets, cleaning etc - they never get done. So I mention it again. And I get yelled at for trying to make him change. So I feel bad, I feel like it is my duty to do those things and I get on with it. Only I don't do it as often as it needs to be done, because I simply don't have the motivation, the depression saps ever little ounce of energy and interest out of me and I simply don't care. Only I do, because I end up having a morning like today where I am crying just looking at the dust on the stairs, the grime on the sink and the piles of laundry I'm expected to do.

And I end up questioning if I really want to be here.  Laundry and cleaning is making me question if I want to stay in a relationship with the man I love.

How fucking stupid is that?

And because I'm getting all emotional, I start to think of all the other things that bug me about him (or how I perceive him) and our life together and my life as a whole. That makes things worse, as there's plenty of things that normally we just grin and bear for the ones we love. But when I feel like this and I list them mentally I come up with a fucking great question mark and it breaks my heart.

There's a part of me screaming that I'm being ridiculous, overly sensitive; I'm exhausted and emotional. That my mental health crazy issues are blowing all of this stuff WAY out of proportion. Which is making me so angry at myself, that I can't manage to function like a normal person and just get on with my life. Being angry at myself makes me what to hurt myself, or binge or starve or shout and scream and cry. Actually, it makes me want to do all of those things.

And I feel so fucking crazy.

Busy week, busy week, no time to stop, no time to think.

I'm well behind on my blog reading, my poor feed reader is completely overloaded!! I'm hoping to spend some time catching up this weekend as I really do love reading what everyone else has to say.

A quick update today. I've just got back from the GP. My knee is now supposed to be resting for 6 weeks, but unfortunatly that's not going to happen as I've got a couple of training events and matches to play over the coming weeks. Maybe after then! I queried with him that the psych had suggested my medication may not be helping me much, but I've now got to wait 4 months for it to be reviewed. I've spent 7 years medicated and I'm actually quite bored of it now and if it's not helping, please get me off it!!! So my GP reviewed the case file and the psych had sent him a letter. He just scan read it and read out to me...."depressive episode, a-typical bulimia nervosa (query) and borderline personality disorder (query)". That's pretty much set my mind at ease. At least they're in the right ball-park, as far as I'm concerned. The letter ended saying that the psych will discuss at the next meeting and hopes to refer me on to psychobiology interventions.

I know so many people feel that BPD is a real cop-out diagnosis for doctors when they're faced with a "difficult and emotional" woman. But for me, it's the only thing I've found that fits and I'd ruled out everything else first! I know it doesn't always lead to good places in terms of finding a good medication programme and treatment options but I'm hoping that I can keep pushing and come out with something.

What I'd really like is to not have to take any meds, however I fear coming off the Mirtazapine. I've been on it now for around 3 years and it's been the only anti-depressant I've taken that's has to some extent helped me cope on a day-to-day basis whilst not giving me awful side-effects if I forget to take one! It's a big crutch for me and although I barely register that I take it, it's such a part of my routine, I am very conscious that I haven't been un-medicated since I was 18 and I'd quite like to know how I'd work without. Would I be any different? Would I actually be "normal"? Has taking anti-depressants for this long left me believing I need them when I don't? Would I go off the rails and into an awful place? Would that be so bad?

Damn NHS

Called the CMHT earlier to find out when my next appointment was....it's been 6 weeks since my last one and I'd not received a letter yet.
The receptionist had to call me back and kindly told me that my next appointment would be in APRIL. She couldn't tell me why....when I asked why it was such a long time she suggested it was because they were pretty fully booked. Whilst I appreciate that might be the case I know there will be patients they see on a more frequent basis than that, especially early on in assessment days.
Anyhow, I burst into tears after the call. Why don't they care about me? Why don't they want to help me? Why can't they see I'm sick? It all seems to bloody unfair and it's put me in such  miserable place.

I've made an appointment to see my GP this week about a physical complaint....I'm hoping to get referred to a knee/joint specialist. I bet that'll be easier than getting the CMHT referral! I shall also ask him to put some pressure on them to see me sooner. Might help. Doubt it.

Up & Down, up & down.

It's been pretty hectic since the boy's been back from his brief holiday. Only a few days, but already my emotions and behaviour have been all over the place. It's made me realise just how much I respond emotionally to other people's needs, especially after having such a chilled-out week whilst he was away. Yet another thing that's pointing towards BPD, but I've still not heard back from the CMHT dammit.

I'm well and truly suffering with the "MEH" the last few days....it's too much effort to write, too much effort to read and even doing nothing I'm exhausted! I'm finding it really frustrating, I'm trying to find the motivation to write this blog (as you can see from this post I've got loads to write about) and I'm also trying to start a blog about my only other passion, that sport I've found that I love. But the words just aren't coming. And to demonstrate that, I'm going to have to finish this post.....possibly the shortest one I've written to date!

I just need a "power-up", I'm sure, if only life were a video game!

Fun whilst it lasted

I went to bed on a high last night. I had a good evening; came home & was pottering about the house, muttering to myself (it's nice to externalise the inner monalogue once in a while!) and generally being quite constructive. I enjoyed writing last night and it didn't leave me drained or manic, like it often can.

I was, dare I say it, content.

For the first time in MONTHS I managed to look in the bathroom mirror and stop myself from picking. Every night for the last few months I have spent, at minium, 15minutes in front of the mirror picking. Most nights it's closer to an hour. I zone-out and enter a trance that helps release all the days anxiety. But last night I had said to myself I would not, to prove that I don't have to. So I looked in the mirror, not too hard (inspecting potential picking is what puts me in the trance!) and was able to look away. It felt good. Then, just to make myself feel even better, I did a few exercises before getting into bed. Just a few sit-ups, squats and leg-lifts. But it's better than nothing and it made me feel like I'd achieved another little win. So I went to bed on a high.

Bad things / Good things

Generally, the things I do (or used to do in the past) to make myself feel better end up making me feel worse. Then because I feel bad, I try another thing to make me feel better & I end up feeling worse. It's a self-perpetuating cycle. It also RUINS activities I would otherwise love to do.

Some examples of these things include:

• Eating
• Spending + Shopping
  
• Casual sex
• Taking drugs

Hmm. I had a whole long list in my head early and now I've forgotten. My memory really is shot to pieces.

iHuman

I want to start this post by saying I detest the way that companies use "i" as a prefix to market a "cool" new gadget. I hate it. Car companies (and I'm sure others) are starting to do something similar by using an exclamation point as a suffix - as in "Go!" and "Up!". It's terrible abuse of the English language; which is saying something coming from a writer as terrible as me!

Anyway, out of all the pending blog entries I have going around in my head I wanted to start with this one as it's a pretty good representation of how I've been feeling the last few weeks. It's pretty obscure, but I'll do my best to explain.

The concept of "iHuman", or in unbranded terms, "Human Lite".

 The iHuman is the first generation of A.I. Lets call it "iHuman v1.0". The clever, clever scientist and manufactured types have essentially taken a mannequin, wrapped it in extremely realistic skin, decorated it look almost identical to a real living, breathing human being. They've taken, somewhat controversially, the brain of a woman in her late teens, they've observed and copied it, turned it into a computer chip and wired it up into this mannequin. They've done their magic tricks and voilà; Artificial Intelligence.


For all intents and purposes, iHuman looks, acts and behaves like a real person. It can hold down a steady job and be good at it, it walks, talks, eats and drinks like a real person. But iHuman, because it is just AI after all, doesn't quite get it right. A.I. can't feel emotions. It can observe and learn and then attempt to replicate what it sees, but all it can replicate is the visible outer signs that make up emotions; the expressions and physical details that SHOW emotions, but without actually FEELING it. And as such, iHuman merely exists. So in a social setting iHuman struggles & it becomes clear that something is not quite right, because it is in these settings, amongst friends, that emotions are so important.


Think of the movie A.I. (it's painful to do, I know, it was an utter crock of shit!) - the characters in that looked and behaved like people but something wasn't quite right. Kryton from Red Dwarf is like and early attempt at iHuman; the programming is there, but the body isn't.

Forthcoming posts

I'm going a bit crazy here at the moment and I've got so many thoughts running around inside my head it's hard to keep up. I've been thinking about all the different things I want to write about, I'm not sure which to start with and right now I don't have time, so I just want to record the title of the posts & a brief summary, to remind me for when I get around to it!

• The Inner Monologue - No, Mr Doctor, I'm not hearing voices...just my own. All the time.
  
• iHuman - The human mannequin / Artificial Intelligence
  
• The insane Rational Mastermind - Personality types
• Privileged Upbringing - Did the rolling countryside, mushrooming, den-building, freedom prevent me from developing social skills?
• Being Normal - How to pretend to be a real person & why I need my job to function

So much to write. So much to think about. Sometime my mind never stops! I just want to understand what's going on in my head and there's so many different things that keep cropping up that I'm no really glad I have a place to ponder them. I'd write it down, but even with my lightening-speed typing I struggle to keep up with my thoughts - thank @£*! for blogging!
As an update, I realised yesterday I'm not very well. I could not sleep. I spent 2 hours lieing in bed silently crying (so The Boy wouldn't realise). My thoughts were all over the place, but mostly I just felt empty; hollow and dead inside. I began wondering if I'd even feel anything if a pointed implement was plunged into me, as I'm not convinced there's anything in there to hurt. I'm so very sad at the moment and there's no logical reason why. And logic should always be the truth.

Blog stuff

I would like to move this to Wordpress, rather than Blogger. Wordpress seems more dynamic, better options/features. But with that comes more confusion......it's a hell of a lot more complicated and I really don't think I can be bothered!

Not Okay

No, I'm not. I'm happy to admit that to myself and I'm not entirely sure what to do about it.

I'm in a horrible, lonely pit of depression & anxiety; I feel isolated from my family, friends and boyfriend; whom I'm yet again managing to be mean to because neither of us is brave enough or stupid enough to talk about what's actually going on. This frustrates me more than anything, as I feel he's the one who lives with me and should see when I'm not right and help me. (please) I feel like I'm tearing myself in two.

More about Phoenix

My first ever post covered a bit about my problems, but doesn't really talk about me. I'm not even sure if anyone's reading this blog, it doesn't really matter either way, however in case anyone stumbles upon LWA they might want to know a bit more about the author.

I'm Phoenix, I'm a 25 year old female, I live with my boyfriend in a "nice" little town north of London. I suffer from a form of mental illness, not entirely sure what. But that's not what this post is about, there'll be plenty of time for that later! I did have a photo posted here, but as I'm settling into writing I've decided for now I'd rather not put a picture up. I'm not very good at staying hidden on the internet and a little anonymity can't be a bad thing. I will try and post a picture of me sometime, that doesn't actually show me....if that makes sense in the slightest.