Bad things / Good things

Generally, the things I do (or used to do in the past) to make myself feel better end up making me feel worse. Then because I feel bad, I try another thing to make me feel better & I end up feeling worse. It's a self-perpetuating cycle. It also RUINS activities I would otherwise love to do.

Some examples of these things include:

• Eating
• Spending + Shopping
  
• Casual sex
• Taking drugs

Hmm. I had a whole long list in my head early and now I've forgotten. My memory really is shot to pieces.

All of those I have over-indulged in. I get that knot of excitement in my stomach & a feeling which I let myself think is happiness (I'm sure it's probably not). I tell myself these things are good, they will lift my spirits, keep me focused on the good feelings and steer my mind away from the awful things inside me. I end up feeling dead inside afterwards.

Food. I now struggle to eat a proper meal. Years of bulimia, once my beloved friend, have twisted my brain signals and now what I think is "full" is in fact over-stuffed and greedy. I'm fat because of it and I hate food. At least, I want to hate food. Weight Watchers, as depressing as it is, does help. I've lost a stone over the last few months. Slow progress, but it took my years to get this fat (with help from faddy diets and possibly-illegal weight loss drugs) so if it takes me years to get thin I will be happy in the end.

Spending and Shopping. How I love it. So much. Even a simple trip around a supermarket to get the weekly groceries puts me in this wonderful, serene trance. I could wander around for hours, muttering to myself, day-dreaming, picking up items and inspecting the labels. It probably ties in with the eating habit, in my Mia days I used to spend ages day-dreaming at work about what I would buy on the way home to binge on. But I can be almost as bad clothes shopping (but only on days when I can stand to look at my reflection. And when I get a hobby, I will stop at NOTHING to get the best gear, the most variety and I spend hours researching potential "big investments". It's cost me more in credit card interest than I care to think about.

The casual sex? That's still a part of my life I can barely think about, let alone discuss & I'm glad it's in my past. I can't understand how casual sex made me feel better, but an intimate relationship with my parter scares the crap out of me. I guess that's the difference....intimacy. But generally the sex within any of my long-term relationships dwindles and I seek that false satisfaction elsewhere. I don't think about how I treated my ex-boyfriend as the end result for myself would not be good. Thankfully I love The Boy and am in a better place now to deal with a committed relationship.

And drugs? I used to love those precious hours (or minutes) when I could be free of all the issues that fuck-up my daily existence. It didn't happen often, I didn't have much access to illicit things nor the money (although this probably wouldn't have mattered after a point), but when it did I felt free & alive. Some of my best memories come from nights I spent high. Some of the worst come from the fog of days/weeks smoking weed. That truly is the devils work for anyone depressed with no motivation; it stops my brain connecting with the painful emotions but it digs me deeper into the hole. It's a love/hate relationship.

Anyway, the point is made. Instant gratification is usually bad. It also takes the fun out of activities that would otherwise to a normal person be quite enjoyable, making recovery that little bit more difficult. It's probably a good thing that I can't recall the other good/bad things I was thinking of earlier as I'd never stop typing......And I've just done that thing I do every night...promise myself an early bed-time after a quick check of messages, only to find I've lost another hour glued to the keyboard. Damn damn damn. The bags under my eyes need some rest! If anyone has some tips for shrinking those dark circles, I'd be very appreciative!