New Years Eve sme-Eve. Humbug.

So it's that time of year again. I hate New Years eve. I refuse to celebrate it every year and generally avoid trying to acknowledge it if I can. I'm not sure when this intense loathing properly began, but I can only remember one good New Years eve event that I went to and even then, I fucked it up pretty well thanks to my drunken antics!

I find no reason to celebrate the end of one year and the start of another. I also don't like this obligation to go out and have fun and celebrate - don't bloody well tell me when I should be having fun.

Morning after

Well I didn't hurt myself, although did drink the rest of the bottle of wine I'd opened. Watched a lot of CSI and went to bed very late.

For the record, my friends baby is actually gorgeous. And I'm of the school of thought that believes all new-borns are ugly, wrinkly little red-faced monsters. But the picture I've received is of a pretty little thing and in the light of day I'm calm about it (if not still rather shocked!) and extremely happy for them.  I really am a rubbish friend if I didn't know that someone I care about was going to be a father. It's making me feel a bit shit and realise that before I was in this era of madness, I was once quite a social thing, albeit for the wrong reasons a lot of the time, it was a hell of a lot more fun than this semi-reclusive existence I'm currently living in.

Righto, this week I'm going to be mostly batch-cooking and hopefully cleaning. The cooking will be great as I can make loads of healthy home-made goodness for freezing, so when I come home from work tired and fed-up I don't have to deal with cooking. On the menu is vegetable soup, braised mince (for spag bol, chilli, shepherds pie etc) and my special sausage and bean casserole. The veg soup is already made - we hit the supermarket yesterday at the reduction hour and I managed to get kilos of veggies for about 50p!

The cleaning part of my week will be shit, but I have a week off and haven't cleaned properly in months. I simply haven't been bothered and the house is becoming a festering tip. I'm a proper hoarder and pile stuff up - if I didn't have my other half and friends I'd probably be one of those old women found dead in a fortress of random collected crap! But I hate it. This time last year, after we'd just moved in to our house, I was a neat and clean freak (although that was a different manifsetation of the crazy). I'd like to regain some of that so I don't have to worry about a spider crawling over my face in the night. (which I did actually dream the night before last.).

Slow start...

I had hoped when I started this blog I'd use it little and often, as a place just to note down the little details in life that I always seem to forget. So I could use it to learn from my fuck-ups, recognise my patterns, routines, cycles. But clearly I've been a bit shit at it so far! It's not about other people reading it; although I welcome that, but more to allow me to reflect and hopefully gain some understanding of myself, that I can maybe take to my GP/Psychiatrist and they can help me find out what's wrong.

It's been a strange couple of weeks. As normal as I sometimes think I could ever be. I've not been happy, but there have been times when I've not felt anything. I often think that's all I can ever hope for. But the problem with nothing is it leaves me so empty, disconnected and lonely that it starts me down a route of sadness. And I really, really do not want to be properly depressed again, but saying that, I'm also not sure that I'm not already there! It certainly doesn't feel good.

A weird one

It's been a while, I've been having a relatively sane week or so, just the odd mood swing and lack of control. It's been nice, almost relaxing!

Anyway, today I spontaneously dissolved into tears whilst driving.  It was one of the most bizzare and surprising things I have ever experienced.  I don't know if anyone understands this, but I felt the feeling you get after you've heard/felt something really emotional that always leads to genuine tears of grief. It felt like grief. On a beautiful, clear, crisp and bright December morning. Bizarre.

Possible Progress

I went to see someone from CMHT this week. I was expecting to see the doctor I saw the first time, a couple of months back, but it was someone else again. He was nice enough though.  So I went through my problems, my progress (or lack thereof) over the last couple of months and somehow tried to get across to him what I feel is wrong.....but without actually saying it. In my experience, if I say "I think I might have X,Y,Z" they normally smile politely and tell me to leave the diagnostics up to them. Which I would, if they ever bothered doing it!! Seriously.....nearly 10 years and I still feel like this. I always do the cancer comparison - there'd be outrage if the NHS failed to identify and treat cancer, but with mental disorders it's okay.

Anyway, something must have got across to him somehow because he said "it seems more like your personality". Then waffled on about psychological interventions being more appropriate (than psychiatric? I don't know) and discussing me at the next CMHT panel with the view of putting me forward to CBT and other therapies. I couldn't be bothered this time to explain I don't like CBT, it's too straightforward, too rational....to damn obvious! No-one ever listens when I say that, just nod and smile patronisingly.

So, back on topic.....he said the P word - PERSONALITY! I probably should have pressed him further, but I was in a bit of a daze, but from where I sit now it feels like the first step to considering personality disorder. That or it's the first step in closing my case and denying there's something wrong with me. I hope it's the former. He is going to see if he can get me another assessment appointment (follow up appointments, which this was, are now limited to just 20 minutes!!) possibly with a psycologist in attendence too. I asked if I could have assessments not just based on me talking and trying to explain things...proper actuarial assessment tools, so we'll see.

He also said it's probably something from my childhood leading me to think and feel the way I do; which I accept, but it scares me. It worries me that there might be this awful dark secret in my happy childhood that I can't recall.....if it's hidden, I like it that way. I'm so sure everything was okay, it frightens me to think that something might not be. But i'll stay positive, not everyone with personality disorders or mental health issues has a dark past. I hope I'm one, as I don't know how I'd cope discovering something awful.

Pieces of Hate

Over the last 24-48hrs I've been making myself hateful.....I'm full of loathing and disappointment towards myself at the moment and that's turning into hate. Which means I don't deserve to be loved.

So this morning has panned out as follows:
Me: Full of loathing, making myself distant from my partner, stroppy towards him - my words are brief, instructional, degrading.
Parter: Confused and sad that I'm being this way.
Me: Can sense he's getting upset, believe it's my fault because I'm hateful. I get upset and even more stroppy.
Parter: Fed up with me, gets snappy back at me - stops talking to me.
Me: I win, I knew he hates me, he must hate me - I'm so horrible.
Me: I fill with rage, anger. Awful violent thoughts fill my head....I'm in the kitchen and can see knives and want to hurt someone, me or him it doesn't matter. I get scared and upset, I hate myself for thinking these things.

That's pretty much how it went. Now he's barely talking to me, because he thinks I'm in this irrational, angry mood and he doesn't understand. I'm more upset because he can't see that my evil, manipulative behaviour started because I'm unhappy and I want him to love me. Because I just need a hug. I hate myself for not loving him enough, for being unable to love anything at the moment, even him; my soulmate & best friend. I hate myself for not being able to simply tell him - I don't feel right, I'm unhappy, I'm not coping.

The sane, logical part of me was there during this, shouting at me "what are you doing". But it was too quiet and I ignored it. Now that part of me is angry, confused. And disappointed - I had promised myself I'd stop being so abusive towards him, so manipulative. It's cruel and unnecessary and I love him too much to risk making him not want to be with me. I have no idea why I do these things and I wish it would just stop.

Connections: Tonight I want to Dance

My biggest fear of the weekend; that I sit with my lovely, patient, forgiving parter in a busy, warmth-filled room full our friends. But I don't want to be there. I look at those people and feel no desire to connect to them - I listen to their stories of how their day went, what plans they have, the emotions they've been through and I feel nothing. No wish to ask more, no need to share my common experiences no warmth that my friend is happy, or worry that they are stressed. I am full of a grey, blank and miserable emotion....apathy, indifference, listlessness. Any of those goes some way to describing my "being" in this room.

A quick share....

I've been very quickly looking through blogs/websites about compulsive skin picking and hair pulling. The link below is to one post from a large blog; this post in particular relates to the authors experience of skin picking and how she reflected on this after watching a TV show about it. I share her feelings on this 100%.

http://mmaaggnnaa.wordpress.com/2009/11/17/july-17-2009/

Other people's expereience

I have a weird relationship with reading/hearing about other people's experience of mental health.

It makes me feel less mad, more stable and less alone when I read/hear that other people feel the same, or similar to how I do.  I relate most to those with borderline personality disorder diagnosis (or traits); the self harm, depression, poor relationships, eating disorders, anxiety, mood swings and anger. It's the diagnosis that I think is right for me, but we'll wait and see.  To realise there's people out there that experience the same range of emotions, confusing and often scary thought patterns and generally struggle with life in a similar way I have gives me hope; I am not alone.

An introduction

I've never blogged before, nor have I ever really been into blogs, so this is all new to me. It's surprising really, I've always been attached to my computer (normally via forums) yet in all the years have never actually sat down and sought out blogs which might be of interest to me. This has all changed over the last month or so and I'm gradually building up a reading list which I follow via RSS (I assume this is the correct way to do it?!!). The majority are mental health blogs, as that is where my interest lies at the moment and a list of some of what I follow is in my blogroll to the right. Having read more and more of these, I realise I should probably expand a bit on who I am at present.

As a brief intro; I'm Phoenix (not my real name); I find no enjoyment in day to day activities and it's exhausting for me to keep trying. I find it difficult to maintain friendships; because there is little enjoyment in my life I have don't have the stories and anecdotes to share with people and as such I am extremely isolated. I love being independent and alone, but I despise that I can't make friends and hate being lonely. To put it simply, I struggle with life.