Sick of this time, sick of this place

I've pretty much had enough this week. Weirdly, I don't feel particually depressed but for once I'm recognising the signs.

I've lost all motivation with life, even at work. That's been going downhill for a few weeks and I had hoped things would start to improve on their own, like they normally do, but it's just not happened. I'm struggling more than normal to get out of bed in the mornings. I have no interest in the work I'm doing and am doing the bare minimum to get away with it unnoticed, my hours have reduced because of it so I owe the company time. At home I'm not making any effort, the house is filthy and full of clutter (I'm a hoarder anyhow) and it sickens me. Even tonight, I went to start to clean and tidy the bathroom, thinking to myself that if I start it, I'll get some motivation and will finish. But I got as far as taking everything out of the bathroom (plants, clothes etc) and no further.

My eating is all up the spout. I've been doing Weight Watchers since August & doing reasonably well; it isn't too difficult, it makes sense, it encourages you to eat healthily and doesn't encourage you to eat processed crap (like ready meals, diet or low-fat foods etc). I'd even managed to get in control of my eating disorder. But the last few weeks I have lost that control again. I have been making myself sick regularly (which I haven't done on a regular basis for a year or more) and I am using a scary amount of laxatives and although I'm not using them day-in-day-out, if I do use them, the "starting" dose is so much higher because I have been using them more and my body has built up a tolerance.

I'm in a bad place financially. My finances have been rocky for a the last couple of months and I've had to "borrow" money from the joint house account I have with my boyfriend. But rather than being careful, budgeting, planning, shopping carefully, not indulging, ebaying spare junk - all things I'd have done 9 months ago - I'm spending. I'm spending to make myself feel better. And not just the odd tenner here and there. I spent £65 in Primark today. That's the equivalent of a new pair of Irregular Choice shoes or a set of wheels for my skates!! Instead I've got some cheap tat that will last a few months before having to be binned. I'm so annoyed at myself. But I really loved the calm, care-free place I went to when I was piling up that shopping basket. The "fuck it all" attitude and pretending to be guilt-free about the spending. Now though, I'm worrying about how I'm going to last the rest of the month until pay-day. I'm angry at myself that for the second month in a row I'd got through all my wages (and then some) within a week of being paid.

So with stress and worry, I'm getting sad. And I'm getting angry, which I take out on my loving boyfriend by being a cold bitch towards him. I'm getting depressed and thinking about comforting myself with food; a nice fat take-away pizza. But that would result in more purging. And more guilt.

I really, really wish I could cut. That's what always used to fix this. But I can't; I have no-where on my body I can cut that won't get seen and I refuse to allow anyone to see me like that. I could burn; that's easier to excuse and explain away. But it doesn't give me anywhere near the same relief and I'm left with evil blotchy scars, not the lovely straight white lines left by the razor blade.

Without cutting, I don't know how to realase all this crap gonig around and around in my head. I'm looking back on times when I've felt bad, trying to figure out what got me through. But generally it was an epic breakdown!! When you hit the bottom things can only get better. But I'm well enough in my mind to know that I DO NOT want to reach the bottom. But I'm scared without any realse these suicidal tendancies that are always lurcking in the back of my mind will become more tempting.

About 10 days ago I had started to reduce my medication. I had 45mg pills that were scored, so they split in two. I was taking a half dose every other day and a full dose on the other days. But, annoyingly, when I picked up my new 'script, the pills were from a different company and aren't scored, so I can't split them. Damn. I was going to see my GP about reducing, but decided to start on my own. I had a feeling that he'd just tell me to wait until I see the psychiatrist again (in around 5 weeks) before making any changes and I didn't feel I could wait that long. I feel so utterly unsupported at the moment. The CMHT are not exactly involved, they did not offer me any support between seeing the shrink. And my GP has put me on renewable 'scripts, 3 months at a time. Presumably because he thinks the CMHT are involved. But I don't really want to keep bothering him. I realised I hate that I have become someone that actually knows who their doctor is and sees them regularly!!

Shit shit shit, I don't know what to do.