With or without?

I'm currently watching Horizon's Pill Popping episode which I recorded. It's only vaguely interesting and isn't really revealing much that I didn't already know or couldn't have figured out. What's got me sitting up to write this post is my reaction to hearing my least favourite word in the world......Seroxat.

I'm pretty emotional anyway these days, but the very mention of that word leads me towards tears of frustration, anger and sadness.

Seroxat (Paroxetine) was the first anti-depressant I was ever prescribed. I was 18 years and 5 months old and in the first year of university. I had been depressed for sometime, but uni really bought it out in me and I sought help because I was afraid that depression was going to stop me from passing my course. How ironic that seems now.

I had vaguely heard of Seroxat before I started taking it however when my GP explained he'd be putting me on an anti-depressant he told me he was giving me "something you've probably heard of - Prozac". I was a little confused when I picked up the prescription and was faced with a box of Seroxat; despite my limited knowledge on the subject I knew that Prozac (Fluoxetine) and Seroxat were not in the same drug. Nonetheless I started the course and hoped for the best. The first dose made me violently sick. That was probably the best side-effect of the lot. I'm not entirely sure how long I took it for but I recall what it did to me.

I would experience serious withdrawal if I was even a few hours late taking a dose. I became withdrawn socially, my uni work suffered and I lost the part-time job I had as I was struggling to concentrate and couldn't carry out a series of simple tasks.

I have a vivid, but dream-like memory of walking down the long, wide tree-lined road to the university campus. I think I'd just gotten off a bus and was on the phone to my mum. I was feeling spaced out, experiencing "brain zaps" and was verging on hysterical, although held it together whilst on the phone. I got as far as the gates to uni but couldn't face going in and just kept walking. I recall wondering if I was experiencing a panic attack and trying to mentally sober myself up. Then, a moment of clarity through the mist in my brain; a thought that popped up in my head things became clear; If I walk in front of the next bus that passes by, all of this will stop.
I don't know how I got home. I don't even know what came next, although am glad it wasn't a bus. It prompted me to approach my GP and ask to switch drugs.  His first reaction was to ask if I'd seen a recent Panorama (a follow up to this article) expose on Seroxat and was over-reacting to the media attention. I explained that whilst I'd heard of the programme, I hadn't seen it and in fact I was concerned because of the side-effects I was experiencing. He reluctantly agreed to switch drugs and I had to go through my first experience of dose-reduction/withdrawal before being prescribed another SSRI (I have no idea which one, but I tried most of them, including Prozac later on.).

Whilst things didn't exactly improve after I switched meds, I can confidently say that I never experienced the same obvious reaction to any other drug. A couple of years later the manufacturer GSK admitted that Seroxat considerably increased risk of suicide and recommended it not be prescribed to under 18s. The whole experience makes me so angry, that a medication could make me act and feel so crazy. That the manufacturer knew this could happen. That other young people took their lives because of that drug. I had been suicidal previously and I have been suicidal since but I have never, ever felt the way I did that day and I honestly believe that Seroxat caused those feelings in me.

Back on point. This Horizon programme started off explaining that most medications are discovered accidentally; penicillin, Viagra, Ritalin, weight-loss drugs and so on. Most side-effects are not discovered until the drug has been licenced and is in active use in the public; well after laboratory, animal and human trials have shown them to be "safe". Every years drugs are taken off the market when thousands of patients report horrific side-effects; heart attacks, suicide attempts, seizures, addiction.

For example; benzodiazepines were wide prescribed at one point and were famously called "mothers little helper". Tens of thousands of women became addicted. It's still widely used for anxiety and opiate withdrawal & I work with addicts who have as much a problem with benzos as they ever did with smack. The painkiller Vioxx led to heart failure and strokes (I had first-hand experience of its other side-effects after my mum took it for serious whip-lash).  Redux; a hugely popular anti-obesity drug in the early 90s was withdrawn following tests which proved it damaged the heart. Unsurprising given that it was amphetamine based. But still experiments continue with amphetamine based weight-loss pills, combined with other drugs which have an awful track record; the manufacturers have seen results (I can tell you first-hand that legal and illegal amphetamine-based drugs will help you lose weight) and they are determined that they can "iron out" the flaws, the side-effects, but at what cost?

I'm off-track again. My point is, do we ever know what we're taking is safe? Is it worth the risk?

I've been on my current medication for around 4 years. It was the first non-SSRI anti-depressant that I took and I have loved it for a long time; the lack of side-effects wooed me from the very beginning. However the last few months have left me wondering if it's making any difference. And the last few weeks have had me questioning if it's actually suppressed or even killed off essential parts of my personality that make life enjoyable. I feel like I've lost so much of myself over the last few years and it's only recently I've questioned how much of that is down to the medication.

One expert from the Horizon show said - "You show me a drug with no side-effects," and "I'll show you a drug without benefits. The difference between a drug and a poison is basically the dose.".

Watch the Horizon Pill Poppers episode here