Blah blah blah

It's 2am.
At 6pm this afternoon I nearly fell asleep in the car on the way home (I wasn't driving!). I am exhausted. But for some reason I just don't want to go to bed. It's been the same every night this week and a fair few in the preceding weeks. I have no clue why.

At one point in time it might've been as a way of avoiding sex, or rather being seen naked and vulnerable and reminded of how fat and gross I am, or how emotionally useless I am, what a rubbish girlfriend. But that (sex) hasn't really been on the cards much this week & hasn't been an issue, the boy's been tired with 5am starts for work and I generally plan on staying up another hour past his 9pm bed-time just to become that more tired and in the mood for bed. But 10pm suddenly becomes 1am and I'm still downstairs.  So I head up to the bathroom to get set for bed. Then 1am has become 2am and I realise I'm stood in front of the mirror, my face covered in angry red bumps from the picking that I barely realised I was doing. I lose hours in that trance-like state; I lose hours more the following morning recovering from the lack of sleep (I've been off work this week, but the weeks before that I've been rolling up late).

Tonight's not really much different, although I've not done much picking. The boy's gone out to see friends. I skipped this (what a surprise) but for once I had a credible excuse given the rather active day I've had today. But still I don't seem to want to go to bed. I almost feel like I can't be bothered. But where's the sense in that?! I like sleep. Sleep is like the next step from that trance-like state I enter when picking. Or an alternative to the dis-associative haze of alcohol. I don't get bad dreams, in fact I don't get many dreams at all and it's rare I remember them for any longer than a few minutes after waking up. So sleep for me is a pretty safe place. But something is finding me things to do as an alternative to bed. I've watched a few of the TV shows I have downloaded and recorded. I've done some social networking, I've even caught up on the news and the results from the Winter Olympics. And now I'm sat here typing this. (2.17am).

Unlike most of the other crazy things I do or think, I can't seem to come up with any logical or even illogical reason as to why I'm avoiding sleeping. And an answer would be good, I'm expected back at work in a few days time.