Possible Progress

I went to see someone from CMHT this week. I was expecting to see the doctor I saw the first time, a couple of months back, but it was someone else again. He was nice enough though.  So I went through my problems, my progress (or lack thereof) over the last couple of months and somehow tried to get across to him what I feel is wrong.....but without actually saying it. In my experience, if I say "I think I might have X,Y,Z" they normally smile politely and tell me to leave the diagnostics up to them. Which I would, if they ever bothered doing it!! Seriously.....nearly 10 years and I still feel like this. I always do the cancer comparison - there'd be outrage if the NHS failed to identify and treat cancer, but with mental disorders it's okay.

Anyway, something must have got across to him somehow because he said "it seems more like your personality". Then waffled on about psychological interventions being more appropriate (than psychiatric? I don't know) and discussing me at the next CMHT panel with the view of putting me forward to CBT and other therapies. I couldn't be bothered this time to explain I don't like CBT, it's too straightforward, too rational....to damn obvious! No-one ever listens when I say that, just nod and smile patronisingly.

So, back on topic.....he said the P word - PERSONALITY! I probably should have pressed him further, but I was in a bit of a daze, but from where I sit now it feels like the first step to considering personality disorder. That or it's the first step in closing my case and denying there's something wrong with me. I hope it's the former. He is going to see if he can get me another assessment appointment (follow up appointments, which this was, are now limited to just 20 minutes!!) possibly with a psycologist in attendence too. I asked if I could have assessments not just based on me talking and trying to explain things...proper actuarial assessment tools, so we'll see.

He also said it's probably something from my childhood leading me to think and feel the way I do; which I accept, but it scares me. It worries me that there might be this awful dark secret in my happy childhood that I can't recall.....if it's hidden, I like it that way. I'm so sure everything was okay, it frightens me to think that something might not be. But i'll stay positive, not everyone with personality disorders or mental health issues has a dark past. I hope I'm one, as I don't know how I'd cope discovering something awful.