Pieces of Hate

Over the last 24-48hrs I've been making myself hateful.....I'm full of loathing and disappointment towards myself at the moment and that's turning into hate. Which means I don't deserve to be loved.

So this morning has panned out as follows:
Me: Full of loathing, making myself distant from my partner, stroppy towards him - my words are brief, instructional, degrading.
Parter: Confused and sad that I'm being this way.
Me: Can sense he's getting upset, believe it's my fault because I'm hateful. I get upset and even more stroppy.
Parter: Fed up with me, gets snappy back at me - stops talking to me.
Me: I win, I knew he hates me, he must hate me - I'm so horrible.
Me: I fill with rage, anger. Awful violent thoughts fill my head....I'm in the kitchen and can see knives and want to hurt someone, me or him it doesn't matter. I get scared and upset, I hate myself for thinking these things.

That's pretty much how it went. Now he's barely talking to me, because he thinks I'm in this irrational, angry mood and he doesn't understand. I'm more upset because he can't see that my evil, manipulative behaviour started because I'm unhappy and I want him to love me. Because I just need a hug. I hate myself for not loving him enough, for being unable to love anything at the moment, even him; my soulmate & best friend. I hate myself for not being able to simply tell him - I don't feel right, I'm unhappy, I'm not coping.

The sane, logical part of me was there during this, shouting at me "what are you doing". But it was too quiet and I ignored it. Now that part of me is angry, confused. And disappointed - I had promised myself I'd stop being so abusive towards him, so manipulative. It's cruel and unnecessary and I love him too much to risk making him not want to be with me. I have no idea why I do these things and I wish it would just stop.