Connections: Tonight I want to Dance

My biggest fear of the weekend; that I sit with my lovely, patient, forgiving parter in a busy, warmth-filled room full our friends. But I don't want to be there. I look at those people and feel no desire to connect to them - I listen to their stories of how their day went, what plans they have, the emotions they've been through and I feel nothing. No wish to ask more, no need to share my common experiences no warmth that my friend is happy, or worry that they are stressed. I am full of a grey, blank and miserable emotion....apathy, indifference, listlessness. Any of those goes some way to describing my "being" in this room.

I dwell on what's wrong. Feeling like this does not feel "right" for me, it does not sit comfortably. I like these people, I have on many occasions enjoyed their company. But as a most, I am simply not interested. But they are my friends; or rather were - this blankness inside me has pushed them away; pushing me to the side of this social group.  I don't help myself; I choose not to go out - I would generally rather sit at home, alone, where my social retardation doesn't show up, than sit in a bright, happy room dwelling on how I simply don't fit in.  So I stay home. I do this more and more. My partner has to explain again where I am, why I am not out. I know what people must think; I am judged for my absence.

It doesn't make sense in my head; I crave friendships deep down, I want to be able to share the menial things in life with those close to me and laugh and joke about every day activities. But when it comes to it, I keep people at arms length. And those that I do get close to, I lose - out of sight, out of mind. The few people who I have let in over the years are spread across the country from all my moves...I lose touch. I turn this on myself; it reminds me I'm a bad friend, as well as placing blame on myself for being too lazy or blinkered to stay in touch I start to question their reasons for not contacting me. Have I done something wrong? Am I not a good enough friend? Can they see I've changed into a self-hating, despairing loser who doesn't deserve their friendship? Am I just too uninteresting to warrant their time? I convince myself of these reasons, justify the disconnection.

Today, I want nothing more than to go out dancing. I want to be in a dark, sweaty basement club with heavy rock, metal, punk and hardcore tunes blaring. I want to have a few drinks, meet a few friends and dance the night away. When out "clubbing" there is no real need to connect on any sort of level. It's all about the fun, not about the individual. I can feel the music; wave my arms, shake my body and simply not care. I can share smiles and enjoyment with those around me. This is the connection I crave. It's superficial, shallow, simple and easy. I don't have to be anyone other than the girl that likes to dance; have fun.

Strangely this shallow sort of connection helps me - that's probably not surprising as it get me OUT, it gets me socialising, albeit on a superficial, frivolous level. But that builds my self confidence, reminds me that there is some form of happiness out there and develops a base for social connections to build on - friends that can share stories about their exploits.

So tonight; I want to dance. I don't want to be sat here alone, the odd one out by the obviousness of my absence from the group. But here I am. There are no clubs in this town; nothing in the next few towns over; London is the closest but expensive to get to. But even then, my partner hates that sort of thing and from a "good girlfriend" point of view, I don't like to go out without him - fearing he make think badly of me, miss me, think I prefer to be without him. None of which is true. But it's another barrier to the freedom from myself.