A weird one

It's been a while, I've been having a relatively sane week or so, just the odd mood swing and lack of control. It's been nice, almost relaxing!

Anyway, today I spontaneously dissolved into tears whilst driving.  It was one of the most bizzare and surprising things I have ever experienced.  I don't know if anyone understands this, but I felt the feeling you get after you've heard/felt something really emotional that always leads to genuine tears of grief. It felt like grief. On a beautiful, clear, crisp and bright December morning. Bizarre.

At the time, I was driving through a village and passing  the house of an old family friend. I take this route maybe once a fortnight, if I'm trying to avoid the traffic on the way to work.  As I was passing, I thought about the man who lives there...an old colleague and friend of my fathers, lets call him Mr A.  He and my dad had obviously been close and although I don't really know the family that well, I believe that Mr A was the named guardian of my brother and I, should anything awful have happend to my parents whiilst we were children. I don't know how this great position of trust and love came about, but I am aware of it and Mr A's a kind man and would have done that difficult job so well, if, god forbid, something had happened to my family.

So, some time ago, I think nearly a year, whilst my parents were away I went through a really really difficult time - I was going crazy, struggling to cope and hold on to reality and was arguing with my partner to the extent we had broken up.  I called up my mum, to save myself. I was distraught and mum couldn't help me, she was 5000 miles away. She tried, over the phone and it calmed me a bit. But she told me out of the blue (or thats how it felt) that if I needed to, the person I should call and go to for help was Mr A, who would help me out and comfort me without me even needing to ask. I didn't really understand why that would be and I never sought his help, nor thought too much of it.  But as I drove past his house today, that was what I thought of - that this man, Mr A, would have been there for me at that time, no matter what.

I think that's what set me off crying. I don't know why, but even as I write about it now I feel the same sense of overwhelming sadness and I'm weeping. It may be the idea that a relative stranger, close to those that I love and hold dear more than anything, would have looked out for me without judgement or question, during my darkest time. That's pretty overwhelming to me.

Or, I might just be over-analysing and in actual fact am just having a hormonal surge that triggers enhanced emotional responses to seemingly trivial and minor matters.

In other news - I'm seeing CMHT next week. I hope it's for a proper assessment. Keep fingers crossed for me.