Slow start...

I had hoped when I started this blog I'd use it little and often, as a place just to note down the little details in life that I always seem to forget. So I could use it to learn from my fuck-ups, recognise my patterns, routines, cycles. But clearly I've been a bit shit at it so far! It's not about other people reading it; although I welcome that, but more to allow me to reflect and hopefully gain some understanding of myself, that I can maybe take to my GP/Psychiatrist and they can help me find out what's wrong.

It's been a strange couple of weeks. As normal as I sometimes think I could ever be. I've not been happy, but there have been times when I've not felt anything. I often think that's all I can ever hope for. But the problem with nothing is it leaves me so empty, disconnected and lonely that it starts me down a route of sadness. And I really, really do not want to be properly depressed again, but saying that, I'm also not sure that I'm not already there! It certainly doesn't feel good.

I started crying tonight after I received a text message from an old friend. He lives locally, but I haven't seen him for around a year or so, but we exchange the odd SMS. We used to hook up occasionally, back when I was at uni and after I left - we'd go to the football together, go out drinking, fall in love with each other that night and have sex. He's one of those people I had on my "reserves" list - it sounds awful, harsh, slutty even, but he's one of a few people I always thought I could rely on adore me, make me feel better about myself and we got on well - perfect material in my screwed-up mind for settling down with. We talked about it occasionally and I know he was crazy about me. A while back though he met an amazing lady, fell in love and got engaged - I'm genuinely so happy for him, the non-crazy part of me anyway!! The text I got from him tonight was the announcement of the birth of his daughter. I didn't even know they were expecting so it was a HUGE shock and it clearly hit a nerve as I burst into tears, proper silent, unstoppable crying, weeping even. That's the worst sort for me, as I usually don't understand it.

Thankfully my gorgeous boyfriend is out with friends, as I can't imagine how he'd feel seeing me react in this way and fuck knows how I'd explain it: "A friend I used to fuck to make me feel better about myself just told me he's had a baby". Yeah, that'd go down really well.

I'm blaming hormones and the slump into a worse depression - I've been thinking about marriage a lot recently, I just want to get on with it but my other half clearly doesn't see the urgency. There's also a bit of me currently scaring me - part of me is getting broody. For the record; I DO NOT WANT KIDS! Never have, don't have any interest in them, don't see the appeal, am terrified of being responsible for brining up a reasonable human being and dare not risk inflicting another soul with the shit I've had to go through. But there's a little bit of me that's throwing the cat among the pigeons and suggesting I might want a sprog. It's wrong, but it's confusing me all the same! Throw together an urgency to settle down + marry, a confusing dash of female baby-need and unknown crazy and I reckon it goes a long way to explaining why I cried tonight.

Christ, I feel so fucking SCREWED UP tonight. I should probably sleep, because what I really want to do right now is get drunk, cut/burn myself, get angry and call the few remaining guys in my phonebook that would make me feel better about myself (1 down, 2 to go). And none of those things are the sane person's reaction. Being crazy is no fucking fun.