Possible Progress

I went to see someone from CMHT this week. I was expecting to see the doctor I saw the first time, a couple of months back, but it was someone else again. He was nice enough though.  So I went through my problems, my progress (or lack thereof) over the last couple of months and somehow tried to get across to him what I feel is wrong.....but without actually saying it. In my experience, if I say "I think I might have X,Y,Z" they normally smile politely and tell me to leave the diagnostics up to them. Which I would, if they ever bothered doing it!! Seriously.....nearly 10 years and I still feel like this. I always do the cancer comparison - there'd be outrage if the NHS failed to identify and treat cancer, but with mental disorders it's okay.

Anyway, something must have got across to him somehow because he said "it seems more like your personality". Then waffled on about psychological interventions being more appropriate (than psychiatric? I don't know) and discussing me at the next CMHT panel with the view of putting me forward to CBT and other therapies. I couldn't be bothered this time to explain I don't like CBT, it's too straightforward, too rational....to damn obvious! No-one ever listens when I say that, just nod and smile patronisingly.

So, back on topic.....he said the P word - PERSONALITY! I probably should have pressed him further, but I was in a bit of a daze, but from where I sit now it feels like the first step to considering personality disorder. That or it's the first step in closing my case and denying there's something wrong with me. I hope it's the former. He is going to see if he can get me another assessment appointment (follow up appointments, which this was, are now limited to just 20 minutes!!) possibly with a psycologist in attendence too. I asked if I could have assessments not just based on me talking and trying to explain things...proper actuarial assessment tools, so we'll see.

He also said it's probably something from my childhood leading me to think and feel the way I do; which I accept, but it scares me. It worries me that there might be this awful dark secret in my happy childhood that I can't recall.....if it's hidden, I like it that way. I'm so sure everything was okay, it frightens me to think that something might not be. But i'll stay positive, not everyone with personality disorders or mental health issues has a dark past. I hope I'm one, as I don't know how I'd cope discovering something awful.

Pieces of Hate

Over the last 24-48hrs I've been making myself hateful.....I'm full of loathing and disappointment towards myself at the moment and that's turning into hate. Which means I don't deserve to be loved.

So this morning has panned out as follows:
Me: Full of loathing, making myself distant from my partner, stroppy towards him - my words are brief, instructional, degrading.
Parter: Confused and sad that I'm being this way.
Me: Can sense he's getting upset, believe it's my fault because I'm hateful. I get upset and even more stroppy.
Parter: Fed up with me, gets snappy back at me - stops talking to me.
Me: I win, I knew he hates me, he must hate me - I'm so horrible.
Me: I fill with rage, anger. Awful violent thoughts fill my head....I'm in the kitchen and can see knives and want to hurt someone, me or him it doesn't matter. I get scared and upset, I hate myself for thinking these things.

That's pretty much how it went. Now he's barely talking to me, because he thinks I'm in this irrational, angry mood and he doesn't understand. I'm more upset because he can't see that my evil, manipulative behaviour started because I'm unhappy and I want him to love me. Because I just need a hug. I hate myself for not loving him enough, for being unable to love anything at the moment, even him; my soulmate & best friend. I hate myself for not being able to simply tell him - I don't feel right, I'm unhappy, I'm not coping.

The sane, logical part of me was there during this, shouting at me "what are you doing". But it was too quiet and I ignored it. Now that part of me is angry, confused. And disappointed - I had promised myself I'd stop being so abusive towards him, so manipulative. It's cruel and unnecessary and I love him too much to risk making him not want to be with me. I have no idea why I do these things and I wish it would just stop.

Connections: Tonight I want to Dance

My biggest fear of the weekend; that I sit with my lovely, patient, forgiving parter in a busy, warmth-filled room full our friends. But I don't want to be there. I look at those people and feel no desire to connect to them - I listen to their stories of how their day went, what plans they have, the emotions they've been through and I feel nothing. No wish to ask more, no need to share my common experiences no warmth that my friend is happy, or worry that they are stressed. I am full of a grey, blank and miserable emotion....apathy, indifference, listlessness. Any of those goes some way to describing my "being" in this room.

A quick share....

I've been very quickly looking through blogs/websites about compulsive skin picking and hair pulling. The link below is to one post from a large blog; this post in particular relates to the authors experience of skin picking and how she reflected on this after watching a TV show about it. I share her feelings on this 100%.

http://mmaaggnnaa.wordpress.com/2009/11/17/july-17-2009/

Other people's expereience

I have a weird relationship with reading/hearing about other people's experience of mental health.

It makes me feel less mad, more stable and less alone when I read/hear that other people feel the same, or similar to how I do.  I relate most to those with borderline personality disorder diagnosis (or traits); the self harm, depression, poor relationships, eating disorders, anxiety, mood swings and anger. It's the diagnosis that I think is right for me, but we'll wait and see.  To realise there's people out there that experience the same range of emotions, confusing and often scary thought patterns and generally struggle with life in a similar way I have gives me hope; I am not alone.

An introduction

I've never blogged before, nor have I ever really been into blogs, so this is all new to me. It's surprising really, I've always been attached to my computer (normally via forums) yet in all the years have never actually sat down and sought out blogs which might be of interest to me. This has all changed over the last month or so and I'm gradually building up a reading list which I follow via RSS (I assume this is the correct way to do it?!!). The majority are mental health blogs, as that is where my interest lies at the moment and a list of some of what I follow is in my blogroll to the right. Having read more and more of these, I realise I should probably expand a bit on who I am at present.

As a brief intro; I'm Phoenix (not my real name); I find no enjoyment in day to day activities and it's exhausting for me to keep trying. I find it difficult to maintain friendships; because there is little enjoyment in my life I have don't have the stories and anecdotes to share with people and as such I am extremely isolated. I love being independent and alone, but I despise that I can't make friends and hate being lonely. To put it simply, I struggle with life.