Perhaps a little manic....

Today everything feels a bit brighter, a bit more interesting and I feel like I could do anything.

I'm in the middle of so many different tasks, ready/watching/listening to things simultaneously and my thoughts are just racing. It's fascinating and thrilling and I feel so good. I don't really get manic......not properly manic, but this mood on my spectrum of mood swings is one of my favourites and most productive. Although ussally it leaves a lot of loose ends once I swing back into the more normal unmotivated state of my depression.

I want to go and fly a kite.

Relationship stuff....

How easy are relationships meant to be? I know that even the best couple has to work hard to keep things ticking over all the time....but during the easy times are things not meant to be just that; easy? And enjoyable?

The past few months have got me questioning more and more if I'm capable of being in a single, monogomous hetrosexual relationship. It seems no matter how hard I try, no matter how happy I know I ought to be and no matter how much I love my partner and want to be with him, I'm never quite happy in the relationship. I constantly feel like there's this big question mark hanging over it, I feel like something is missing or rather, I'm missing something.

I can't quite put my finger on it. But the more I think about it the more I think I'm not able to be in a "normal" relationship. I don't think I can be happy in one.  I love my boyfriend dearly, I truly want to grow old with him in my life. But there is something that is not completing me.  I have a wise friend who is good at seeing through my bull-shit who doesn't believe this and doesn't believe that my other half is right for me. I think he's only half right....I don't think my boyfriend is all that is right for me.

I'm well aware as I write this that it sounds very much like I want to have my cake and eat it; that I want to have the security of a relationship AND play the field. But that's not quite it. I've played the field. I didn't much like it. I genuinely want the settle down. But even with my lovely, amazing, wonderful man, I still find myself falling for other people and wanting to explore those feelings.

I know many would say that that in itself is a sign that perhaps things aren't right in my relationship. Things aren't 100% right, but they're good. Just not enough for me.

I've tried to consider what would be the RIGHT sort of relationship(s) for me; single, married, gay, abstinent or polyamourous. I've thought about what my needs are and how I would like to live my life. And if I'm honest I'm not sure any of those would fit me quite right. I don't know what would make me happy.

All of this is leaving me rather confused at the moment. And feeling like more of an outcast then ever before....I don't "fit" anywhere.

A postsecret

I only recently discovered PostSecret. It's one of those things I heard about ages and ages ago and thought "oohhh, I must read that", but then never did. Around 6months ago I clicked a link on another mental health blog to the website and since then it's been in my feed reader (RSS is also something I only discovered through blogging!).

I feel a lot of the "secrets" are a bit lame; not really secrets and more musings. A lot are easy to relate to but it's too easy to just say "ohh, that's just like me", but really it's just a general statement or feeling we all feel at some point in our daily lives! And for that reason I've avoided posting any on here and making comments, as it would feel a bit empty. But they make good reading and each week there's always a few good ones (I especially like the follow up comments that Frank posts). This secret from today in particular I liked and felt compelled to discuss:

I don't think "oooh, it's just like me". But I rather like the sentiment and it rung true with me, as it relates to coping mecanisms. This person probably needs a bit of help to work through some issues in "more appropriate" ways, but I like that they've admitted the find ways to cope one way or another.

I could easily get hooked on drugs and/or alcohol or go back to cutting, a full-blown eating disorder or promiscuity in an attempt to cope with how I feel. I'm trying to give up my anti-depressants and all of those things are fears of mine. But I'm trying to get "clean" without and I'm constantly reminding myself that I shouldn't replace them with an alternative "treatment" or coping mechanism. If things start to go wrong, I need to find some therapy to deal with these issues. Recovery, good health, happiness......it should be found in happiness and acceptance, not the bottom of a bottle, the sting of a blade or the comfort of food (or lack thereof!). This secret reminded me of that.

I don't need fixing.

Screw this. I've just written out 5 paragraphs of text, all of which I've just over-written. I can't be bothered to explain. Mainly because I can't even begin to understand what's going on with me/everyone else at the moment.

The people I love & trust are letting me down.  One because they won't talk to me, the other because they want to fix me. Both because they believe I'm broken and that everything that's going on is my fault.  Or at least that's how I see it.

The people in my life who I can talk to about this are male and are far away. And all of whom I've previously been involved with sexually, so probably aren't the best points of reference. No matter how much I trust them. It's just another notch in my screwed up life-story of a bed post.

Up until very recently my previous coping mechanisms were becoming a thing of the past. In fact this morning I was considering writing a blog post on how I thought I was moving past self-harm and it's hold over me was diminishing. Now all I can think about is how good that blade would feel and how much I hate myself for finishing the Krispy Kreme's I was supposed to be sharing with my boyfriend.

Dammit all.

Even a stopped clock is right twice a day

2 months! It's felt like longer since I last wrote anything! Apologies for anyone that's reading.

So....where to start?

Life with me seems to go by quickly and a lot of nothing can happen in pretty short periods of time. I guess that's the impact of the mood swings. What's frustrating is I forget these little experiences so quickly & with such ease. It's one of the reasons I wanted to write, so it's a pain I've not felt like it the past couple of months!

I shall start with the simple, medical stuff. I saw my psychiatrist about 6 weeks ago. Options were discussed. I explained my moods were still all over the place, that I was feeling unstable. But determined. I wanted to try something new. He was open and stated he didn't feel that my current medication on it's own was working (he is in my good books for this). He suggested, to my surprise, an anti-psychotic (Clozapine) which at a low dose has a mood stabilising effect. Together with a lower dose of my AD it might do the trick. I hadn't heard of this drug before and as such he sold it to me quite well. I like the idea of a mood stabiliser very, VERY much.
I should've realised the next part was coming though, in my line of work I see a lot of people who start taking anti-psychotics and the subsequent side-effect of massive weight gain. And low and behold, the doctor confirmed that was a side-effect; although at low doses it would be difficult to say if it would come into play. But that was enough for me; I very quickly started to lose my cool, calm composure (I am the LEAST difficult patient in the world) and the wobble in my voice was not easy to control and the tears hard to hide. I explained putting on weight is simply not an option. I have been losing weight and with that has come an overall increase in my happiness. I am not willing to sacrifice that happiness for the sake of controlling mood swings. Which might sound odd, but it's pretty non-negotiable! It's a shame though, as I would've liked to try that option. Maybe if other things don't work.

Anyhow, he moved on to suggesting Fluxotine, however I've used that in the past with little sucess and have no desire to try again. I was not happy on SSRI's and it would feel like a step backwards. Next option; Venlafaxine - a drug I'm confused about. Good points; have heard people speak highly of it, potential weight LOSS as a side-effect. Bad points; have heard people speak poorly of it and it's similarity to SSRI's in terms of range side-effects. I discused it with the shrink (I like him, I feel lucky that I feel I can properly discuss this with him) and agreed I'd be willing to give it a go. However, he went one better and gave me a final option; try being drug free.

DRUG FREE.

Sick of this time, sick of this place

I've pretty much had enough this week. Weirdly, I don't feel particually depressed but for once I'm recognising the signs.

I've lost all motivation with life, even at work. That's been going downhill for a few weeks and I had hoped things would start to improve on their own, like they normally do, but it's just not happened. I'm struggling more than normal to get out of bed in the mornings. I have no interest in the work I'm doing and am doing the bare minimum to get away with it unnoticed, my hours have reduced because of it so I owe the company time. At home I'm not making any effort, the house is filthy and full of clutter (I'm a hoarder anyhow) and it sickens me. Even tonight, I went to start to clean and tidy the bathroom, thinking to myself that if I start it, I'll get some motivation and will finish. But I got as far as taking everything out of the bathroom (plants, clothes etc) and no further.

My eating is all up the spout. I've been doing Weight Watchers since August & doing reasonably well; it isn't too difficult, it makes sense, it encourages you to eat healthily and doesn't encourage you to eat processed crap (like ready meals, diet or low-fat foods etc). I'd even managed to get in control of my eating disorder. But the last few weeks I have lost that control again. I have been making myself sick regularly (which I haven't done on a regular basis for a year or more) and I am using a scary amount of laxatives and although I'm not using them day-in-day-out, if I do use them, the "starting" dose is so much higher because I have been using them more and my body has built up a tolerance.

With or without?

I'm currently watching Horizon's Pill Popping episode which I recorded. It's only vaguely interesting and isn't really revealing much that I didn't already know or couldn't have figured out. What's got me sitting up to write this post is my reaction to hearing my least favourite word in the world......Seroxat.

I'm pretty emotional anyway these days, but the very mention of that word leads me towards tears of frustration, anger and sadness.

Seroxat (Paroxetine) was the first anti-depressant I was ever prescribed. I was 18 years and 5 months old and in the first year of university. I had been depressed for sometime, but uni really bought it out in me and I sought help because I was afraid that depression was going to stop me from passing my course. How ironic that seems now.

I had vaguely heard of Seroxat before I started taking it however when my GP explained he'd be putting me on an anti-depressant he told me he was giving me "something you've probably heard of - Prozac". I was a little confused when I picked up the prescription and was faced with a box of Seroxat; despite my limited knowledge on the subject I knew that Prozac (Fluoxetine) and Seroxat were not in the same drug. Nonetheless I started the course and hoped for the best. The first dose made me violently sick. That was probably the best side-effect of the lot. I'm not entirely sure how long I took it for but I recall what it did to me.

I would experience serious withdrawal if I was even a few hours late taking a dose. I became withdrawn socially, my uni work suffered and I lost the part-time job I had as I was struggling to concentrate and couldn't carry out a series of simple tasks.

I have a vivid, but dream-like memory of walking down the long, wide tree-lined road to the university campus. I think I'd just gotten off a bus and was on the phone to my mum. I was feeling spaced out, experiencing "brain zaps" and was verging on hysterical, although held it together whilst on the phone. I got as far as the gates to uni but couldn't face going in and just kept walking. I recall wondering if I was experiencing a panic attack and trying to mentally sober myself up. Then, a moment of clarity through the mist in my brain; a thought that popped up in my head things became clear; If I walk in front of the next bus that passes by, all of this will stop.

Blah blah blah

It's 2am.
At 6pm this afternoon I nearly fell asleep in the car on the way home (I wasn't driving!). I am exhausted. But for some reason I just don't want to go to bed. It's been the same every night this week and a fair few in the preceding weeks. I have no clue why.

At one point in time it might've been as a way of avoiding sex, or rather being seen naked and vulnerable and reminded of how fat and gross I am, or how emotionally useless I am, what a rubbish girlfriend. But that (sex) hasn't really been on the cards much this week & hasn't been an issue, the boy's been tired with 5am starts for work and I generally plan on staying up another hour past his 9pm bed-time just to become that more tired and in the mood for bed. But 10pm suddenly becomes 1am and I'm still downstairs.  So I head up to the bathroom to get set for bed. Then 1am has become 2am and I realise I'm stood in front of the mirror, my face covered in angry red bumps from the picking that I barely realised I was doing. I lose hours in that trance-like state; I lose hours more the following morning recovering from the lack of sleep (I've been off work this week, but the weeks before that I've been rolling up late).

Tonight's not really much different, although I've not done much picking. The boy's gone out to see friends. I skipped this (what a surprise) but for once I had a credible excuse given the rather active day I've had today. But still I don't seem to want to go to bed. I almost feel like I can't be bothered. But where's the sense in that?! I like sleep. Sleep is like the next step from that trance-like state I enter when picking. Or an alternative to the dis-associative haze of alcohol. I don't get bad dreams, in fact I don't get many dreams at all and it's rare I remember them for any longer than a few minutes after waking up. So sleep for me is a pretty safe place. But something is finding me things to do as an alternative to bed. I've watched a few of the TV shows I have downloaded and recorded. I've done some social networking, I've even caught up on the news and the results from the Winter Olympics. And now I'm sat here typing this. (2.17am).

Unlike most of the other crazy things I do or think, I can't seem to come up with any logical or even illogical reason as to why I'm avoiding sleeping. And an answer would be good, I'm expected back at work in a few days time.

Time flies

It has just occurred to me that in 6 months time I will be 26 and officially into my mid to late twenties. I'm feeling pretty cheated. I'm fairly certain that somewhere along the line I was lead to believe that your early twenties were supposed to be the best years of your life. When all the fun, excitement and laughter happened.

I've missed it all. If you click "read more" you can read a less-than-interesting summary of my early twenties that I had to write out in order to recall what had happens to my life! I've made it a smaller font so anyone reading can skip to the end - it's not particularly interesting reading the ramblings of a tired, confused and slightly intoxicated woman facing the prospect of a wasted life!

Losing my grip on reality

I'm not having a good morning. I'm feeling quite mad.

Every little thing is upsetting me. My house at the moment is a total tip. I struggle to look after myself when I just had a single bedroom, but now I have a 2-bed house and a live-in mess machine (the boy) I don't stand a chance. Every six months or so I blow my top over the state of the house. I try to explain to the boy that I can barely look after myself and need support with the house. I explain that I hate that it's only me that thinks of hoovering, cleaning the sheet, washing the towels, cleaning the bathroom & using cleaning products. I explain that every once in a while I could do with him thinking of these things. And he says he'll help out more, be a better boyfriend & try and support me. And for a few weeks he's a bit more helpful, he picks up after himself and tidies the living room and kitchen (tidies, never actually cleans though). But the things that I actually expressed my concerns about - the towels, sheets, cleaning etc - they never get done. So I mention it again. And I get yelled at for trying to make him change. So I feel bad, I feel like it is my duty to do those things and I get on with it. Only I don't do it as often as it needs to be done, because I simply don't have the motivation, the depression saps ever little ounce of energy and interest out of me and I simply don't care. Only I do, because I end up having a morning like today where I am crying just looking at the dust on the stairs, the grime on the sink and the piles of laundry I'm expected to do.

And I end up questioning if I really want to be here.  Laundry and cleaning is making me question if I want to stay in a relationship with the man I love.

How fucking stupid is that?

And because I'm getting all emotional, I start to think of all the other things that bug me about him (or how I perceive him) and our life together and my life as a whole. That makes things worse, as there's plenty of things that normally we just grin and bear for the ones we love. But when I feel like this and I list them mentally I come up with a fucking great question mark and it breaks my heart.

There's a part of me screaming that I'm being ridiculous, overly sensitive; I'm exhausted and emotional. That my mental health crazy issues are blowing all of this stuff WAY out of proportion. Which is making me so angry at myself, that I can't manage to function like a normal person and just get on with my life. Being angry at myself makes me what to hurt myself, or binge or starve or shout and scream and cry. Actually, it makes me want to do all of those things.

And I feel so fucking crazy.

Busy week, busy week, no time to stop, no time to think.

I'm well behind on my blog reading, my poor feed reader is completely overloaded!! I'm hoping to spend some time catching up this weekend as I really do love reading what everyone else has to say.

A quick update today. I've just got back from the GP. My knee is now supposed to be resting for 6 weeks, but unfortunatly that's not going to happen as I've got a couple of training events and matches to play over the coming weeks. Maybe after then! I queried with him that the psych had suggested my medication may not be helping me much, but I've now got to wait 4 months for it to be reviewed. I've spent 7 years medicated and I'm actually quite bored of it now and if it's not helping, please get me off it!!! So my GP reviewed the case file and the psych had sent him a letter. He just scan read it and read out to me...."depressive episode, a-typical bulimia nervosa (query) and borderline personality disorder (query)". That's pretty much set my mind at ease. At least they're in the right ball-park, as far as I'm concerned. The letter ended saying that the psych will discuss at the next meeting and hopes to refer me on to psychobiology interventions.

I know so many people feel that BPD is a real cop-out diagnosis for doctors when they're faced with a "difficult and emotional" woman. But for me, it's the only thing I've found that fits and I'd ruled out everything else first! I know it doesn't always lead to good places in terms of finding a good medication programme and treatment options but I'm hoping that I can keep pushing and come out with something.

What I'd really like is to not have to take any meds, however I fear coming off the Mirtazapine. I've been on it now for around 3 years and it's been the only anti-depressant I've taken that's has to some extent helped me cope on a day-to-day basis whilst not giving me awful side-effects if I forget to take one! It's a big crutch for me and although I barely register that I take it, it's such a part of my routine, I am very conscious that I haven't been un-medicated since I was 18 and I'd quite like to know how I'd work without. Would I be any different? Would I actually be "normal"? Has taking anti-depressants for this long left me believing I need them when I don't? Would I go off the rails and into an awful place? Would that be so bad?

Damn NHS

Called the CMHT earlier to find out when my next appointment was....it's been 6 weeks since my last one and I'd not received a letter yet.
The receptionist had to call me back and kindly told me that my next appointment would be in APRIL. She couldn't tell me why....when I asked why it was such a long time she suggested it was because they were pretty fully booked. Whilst I appreciate that might be the case I know there will be patients they see on a more frequent basis than that, especially early on in assessment days.
Anyhow, I burst into tears after the call. Why don't they care about me? Why don't they want to help me? Why can't they see I'm sick? It all seems to bloody unfair and it's put me in such  miserable place.

I've made an appointment to see my GP this week about a physical complaint....I'm hoping to get referred to a knee/joint specialist. I bet that'll be easier than getting the CMHT referral! I shall also ask him to put some pressure on them to see me sooner. Might help. Doubt it.

Up & Down, up & down.

It's been pretty hectic since the boy's been back from his brief holiday. Only a few days, but already my emotions and behaviour have been all over the place. It's made me realise just how much I respond emotionally to other people's needs, especially after having such a chilled-out week whilst he was away. Yet another thing that's pointing towards BPD, but I've still not heard back from the CMHT dammit.

I'm well and truly suffering with the "MEH" the last few days....it's too much effort to write, too much effort to read and even doing nothing I'm exhausted! I'm finding it really frustrating, I'm trying to find the motivation to write this blog (as you can see from this post I've got loads to write about) and I'm also trying to start a blog about my only other passion, that sport I've found that I love. But the words just aren't coming. And to demonstrate that, I'm going to have to finish this post.....possibly the shortest one I've written to date!

I just need a "power-up", I'm sure, if only life were a video game!

Fun whilst it lasted

I went to bed on a high last night. I had a good evening; came home & was pottering about the house, muttering to myself (it's nice to externalise the inner monalogue once in a while!) and generally being quite constructive. I enjoyed writing last night and it didn't leave me drained or manic, like it often can.

I was, dare I say it, content.

For the first time in MONTHS I managed to look in the bathroom mirror and stop myself from picking. Every night for the last few months I have spent, at minium, 15minutes in front of the mirror picking. Most nights it's closer to an hour. I zone-out and enter a trance that helps release all the days anxiety. But last night I had said to myself I would not, to prove that I don't have to. So I looked in the mirror, not too hard (inspecting potential picking is what puts me in the trance!) and was able to look away. It felt good. Then, just to make myself feel even better, I did a few exercises before getting into bed. Just a few sit-ups, squats and leg-lifts. But it's better than nothing and it made me feel like I'd achieved another little win. So I went to bed on a high.

Bad things / Good things

Generally, the things I do (or used to do in the past) to make myself feel better end up making me feel worse. Then because I feel bad, I try another thing to make me feel better & I end up feeling worse. It's a self-perpetuating cycle. It also RUINS activities I would otherwise love to do.

Some examples of these things include:

• Eating
• Spending + Shopping
  
• Casual sex
• Taking drugs

Hmm. I had a whole long list in my head early and now I've forgotten. My memory really is shot to pieces.