Perhaps a little manic....

Today everything feels a bit brighter, a bit more interesting and I feel like I could do anything.

I'm in the middle of so many different tasks, ready/watching/listening to things simultaneously and my thoughts are just racing. It's fascinating and thrilling and I feel so good. I don't really get manic......not properly manic, but this mood on my spectrum of mood swings is one of my favourites and most productive. Although ussally it leaves a lot of loose ends once I swing back into the more normal unmotivated state of my depression.

I want to go and fly a kite.

Relationship stuff....

How easy are relationships meant to be? I know that even the best couple has to work hard to keep things ticking over all the time....but during the easy times are things not meant to be just that; easy? And enjoyable?

The past few months have got me questioning more and more if I'm capable of being in a single, monogomous hetrosexual relationship. It seems no matter how hard I try, no matter how happy I know I ought to be and no matter how much I love my partner and want to be with him, I'm never quite happy in the relationship. I constantly feel like there's this big question mark hanging over it, I feel like something is missing or rather, I'm missing something.

I can't quite put my finger on it. But the more I think about it the more I think I'm not able to be in a "normal" relationship. I don't think I can be happy in one.  I love my boyfriend dearly, I truly want to grow old with him in my life. But there is something that is not completing me.  I have a wise friend who is good at seeing through my bull-shit who doesn't believe this and doesn't believe that my other half is right for me. I think he's only half right....I don't think my boyfriend is all that is right for me.

I'm well aware as I write this that it sounds very much like I want to have my cake and eat it; that I want to have the security of a relationship AND play the field. But that's not quite it. I've played the field. I didn't much like it. I genuinely want the settle down. But even with my lovely, amazing, wonderful man, I still find myself falling for other people and wanting to explore those feelings.

I know many would say that that in itself is a sign that perhaps things aren't right in my relationship. Things aren't 100% right, but they're good. Just not enough for me.

I've tried to consider what would be the RIGHT sort of relationship(s) for me; single, married, gay, abstinent or polyamourous. I've thought about what my needs are and how I would like to live my life. And if I'm honest I'm not sure any of those would fit me quite right. I don't know what would make me happy.

All of this is leaving me rather confused at the moment. And feeling like more of an outcast then ever before....I don't "fit" anywhere.